Well it’s more than I can. And you thought America had talent, and of course it does. But can you do this?

This guy calls himself Methane Man and he was brought to you by RTL’s Supertalent Show on German TV over the weekend.  And yes, he did make it to the next round. Although, of all people, judge Sylvie Vandervaart voted against him (van der vaart, get it?).

“Supertalent farts its way into the nation’s heart”

PS: This guy was British.

PPS: Isn’t methane supposed to cause global warming or something Germany, huh?

Stübi only meant well. Well, maybe he didn’t mean well. Maybe he was just being a prick, but still. Kids will be kids or something.

After losing his job and his girlfriend, this guy in Hamburg (his friends call him Stübi) organized one of those newfangled impromptu flashmob get together thangs – on the German resort island of Sylt (just a couple hours up north by train). How should I put it? Some 5000 friends showed up.

Needless to say, folks on Sylt don’t flashmob. They just rake in the money from all the regular and über-regular folks who come to their rather overpriced island to vacation. They expect the appropriate attire and behavior and money, of course. The el cheapo student/backpack/beach tent types should stay down home in Hamburg or Berlin or wherever the hell it is they belong and take a long walk in the park or go to one of those artificial beach thingies instead.

Now everybody on Sylt is pissed off that this wild hoard of drunken punks could somehow have managed to breach their sandy island castle walls and wreak (reek?) havoc among their otherwise so peaceful and well-behaved guests. They want to sue Stübi, in other words, maybe the whole crew, damn it. But sue all 5000 of them? Hey, wait a minute. This could be a new source of revenue the Sylters hadn’t thought to tap into yet…

“Alle Mann zum Verwaltungsgericht, wir gewinnen den Prozess”.

Vatertag (Father’s Day in Germany): „Motley crews of men drink until they drop, either in traditional fashion, tugging a handcart full of beer and spirits across the countryside, or by downing schnapps in a local bar.“

But this year a company in Brandenburg has come up with an alternative alcohol-free present for dads: tank-driving lessons. “Tanks fascinate all boys, big and small,” the Panzer Fun Driving School wrote in a recent press release. “We offer trips in armored tanks, driving around Germany’s biggest playground for men — it’s an ideal gift for Father’s Day.” Too late, Vatertag was yesterday. Maybe next year.

Tanked up for Father’s Day.

Loosened up after several bottles of Rotkäppchen Sekt that German “Research” Minister Annette Schavan brought along with her especially for the occasion, Washington insiders report that a tipsy US Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano then allowed Schavan access to what used to be one highly restricted American anti-terrorism technolgies lab.

Still smashed after breakfast later that morning, Napolitano then signed a so-called treaty on scientific and technological cooperation that Schavan shoved under her bright red nose at an opportune moment, right before she passed out on her desk, in other words. The German Research Minister then mysteriously disappeared into thin air and could not be located anywhere in the once secure building by formerly secure security personnel, no matter how hard they researched.

“This is an important contribution to the strengthening of trans-Atlantic cooperation.”

“Back in Berlin, no one knew what to do at first. It seemed as though the relevant ministries were totally surprised by the unheard-of fact that the soldiers Germany had dispatched to the Gulf of Aden might actually catch some pirates.”

“All countries that have dispatched warships to patrol the coast of Somalia are in a difficult legal position as soon as they make arrests.”

“There is no logical reason for a Kenyan court to try to convict the suspects.”

German pirate hunting frigate Karlsruhe is back from its pirate hunting expedition on the Horn of Africa, safe and sound, just like the pirates it had been hunting.

Everyone is thrilled because this was an historic mission or something. Apparently it was a first here, what one calls a “combat operation” in the military.

“Es ist das erste Mal, dass man sagen kann, es war ein Kampfeinsatz.”

I don’t know what to believe. Is Germany the great film-making nation we all think it is because of this guy?

Or is it maybe less of this great film-making nation because of this “worst director in the world” guy here? I’d say it’s both, maybe, or neither, although it’s hard to say for sure.

Sure, Alexander Freydank may have received the Academy Award last night for Best Short Film for his 14 minute long Spielzeugland (Toyland), but Uwe Boll got an award, too. He got this year’s Golden Rasberry for the worst directing for, uh, well, for directing everything he his been allowed to direct so far.

Personally, I love trash films, whatever the language, whether they’re the worst foreign types or not, so leave Uwe Boll alone you elitist cinimatic snobs, you. And so what if he’s “the Teutonic twerp (Eumel) of world cinema”, there is obviously an audience for that kind of stuff, and I’m probably sitting in it. In the audience, I mean. Haven’t had the pleasure to see one of these Boll productions yet, though. I will, though. Or I’ll wait for the book to come out.

“Alles, was Boll mache, sei einfach scheußlich.”

Damn. They just unleashed these guys and they’ve already hacked into the Interior Minister’s website? He’s a data security kind of guy, get it?

I told you so. I just knew that the Germans were going to be good at this cyber warfare stuff. It looks like it’s time to change your password, Herr Minister.

„Ein Hacker hat den Internetauftritt des CDU-Politikers geentert und dort Werbung gemacht: für mehr Datenschutz und gegen die von Schäuble befürwortete Vorratsdatenspeicherung.“