Looks like negotiations are starting to get pretty hot and heavy up there.

Come on, everybody. Do what you can to bring down the planet’s temperature. NOW!

Global-warming summiteers have been told it’s uncool to buy hookers, but prostitutes have turned a trick of their own: heating up the atmosphere in Copenhagen by offering free sex to delegates.

“US President Barack Obama announced that he intends to seek the death penalty if the five defendants are found guilty. German law prohibits capital punishment, yet evidence provided by German investigators will play a key role in the trail.”

“This presents the German government with a dilemma. Berlin can either oppose the use of German evidence in a bid to protect the defendants from execution – and risk alienating a NATO ally in the process – or it can approve the use of the incriminating documents, which would contravene Germany’s position on the death penalty.”

No Capital Punishment in Germany

Why drinks are so expensive in Germany that…

Uh, I dunno. But guys like Dennis Rodman don’t want to pay for them.

“Senior prosecuter Juergen Bauer says the game’s organizers had agreed to pick up the tab for Rodman’s overnight hotel stay, but not an additional $5,100 for beverages consumed at the party.”

Terror doesn’t pay in Germany, not directly anyway. And not always.

That’s right. Justice has prevailed here once again. Two radical jihadists supporting the Sauerland Cell really pissed off German judges yesterday when it was revealed that they had tried to get their welfare and unemployment benefits transferred to a terrorist training camp on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border they planned to train at.

Clearly enraged by this, the court promptly convicted the two men to two incredibly severe 33 and 14 month jail sentences. German law clearly stipulates that you can only continue to receive your welfare and unemployment benefits while attending terrorist training camps here in Germany.

The “relatively harmless support actions” these two were involved in, helping to try and car bomb as many American targets in Germany as possible, was bad too, don’t get the court wrong, but blatant welfare fraud? That kind of thing practically never happens here in Germany and has to be nipped in the bud.

“Sie werden bald wieder draussen sein.”

Elections can be tricky things. Especially when it comes to fairness and straight-up-ness and all that, I mean. And we all know Germans can be pretty tricky too, of course. Or at least I know it, I mean. So after Germany’s parliamentary election committee refused to let a few itsy bitsy and thoroughly harmless parties take part in next month’s election due to what was termed “application irregularities”, I, or somebody like me, got right on the phone to the OSCE (Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe) and reported it. These irregularities about the irregularities, I mean.

So now the OSCE will be sending election observers to Germany to monitor the country’s general election on September 27. You know, like folks do whenever there’s an election held in some despotic Third World country? Hey, what goes around comes around, I always say.

This will be the organization’s first ever election-monitoring mission to Germany, by the way. And I wholeheartedly welcome it because I, for one, think it’s high time that the rest of the world finally sit up and take notice of the appalling conditions here. During election time, I mean. The rest of the world could finally sit up and take notice of the appalling conditions here during the rest of the time here too, of course, but that might be just a bit too much taking notice to ask.

“Because the non-admission of several parties has now become an issue, our election observers will take a close look.”

“He is the corpse clutching the pocket guide.” Or so the joke goes in Afghanistan. This is because, up until recently, German soldiers serving there were obligated by German political directives issued in Berlin to pull out a pocket guide and give the warning, in three languages (English, Pashtu and Dari) “United Nations – stop, or I will fire!” before returning fire when attacked by the Taliban.

This is supposed to reduce misunderstandings and keep anybody from getting hurt, especially the Taliban. But times change and even German politicians are lernfähig (can learn from their mistakes) – just go ask Ulla Schmidt – so now new rules of engagement have been released in which German forces will actually be allowed to shoot back at those shooting at them and shout out warnings later. Not that they will actually do that or anything, we don’t want any misunderstandings here you know, but still.

“The warnings were well intended but not realistic.”

Sheesh! Thieves these days. No, not that German health minister lady, Ulla Schmidt (SPD), I mean those mean, rotten and nasty Spanish car thieves who stole her ride down in Alicante. And this after she flew all the way down there for official important European political business matters – and had her chauffeur drive her official important German Mercedes limo the 1,500 miles down there too, so it would be waiting for her when she got there. But then it got stolen, like I said. Thieves these days. Like I said again.

Is nothing sacred? No, not the German tax Euros that get so generously distributed by German politicians these days, I mean that beautiful S-Class Mercedes. But you shot yourselves in the feet this time, Spanish criminals. You can bet that after this she’ll never have it driven down there for her again.

„Opposition politicians want to know why she needed her car in Spain, when embassy vehicles are available.“

Tempelhof Love Parade

Only without the parade and the love part.

Nobody quite sure just why yet, a bunch of crazy Autonome (lefty anarchist types) attempted to take over the former Tempelhof Airport in Berlin yesterday (I think it had something to do with capitalism or exploitation or land speculation or something – or maybe McDonalds?).

And nobody quite sure just why yet either, the Berlin police did something completely out of character for once and actually stopped them.

“Das Gelände gehört uns!”

He can’t take the German justice system anymore, he means. Talk about your cruel and unusual punishment. Apparently bored to tears by a high-profile and highly-pedantic terror trial concerning himself and two other high-profile though less pedantic terrorist suspects, Turkish national Adem Yilmaz of the Sauerland Cell or of the Sauerland Three or of the Dave Clark Five or of the whatever the hell it is you want to call them this week has thrown in the towel or the head wrap or whatever the hell it is you call those things he’s wearing and will confess to anything the Germans want him to just please make them stop trying him now for the love of Allah make them stop now, please.

His lawyer says he is not capable of bearing the process anymore. And she should know because she’s a German process lawyer type and sees this kind of thing all the time. Nor does her client want the troublesome trial to interfere with the upcoming Ramadan celebrations scheduled for, uh, Ramadan, in August.

“I couldn’t care less what you give me, whether it’s 20 or 30 years,” the anguished German-Turk Turk-German told the judge. “I just want all this to be done with, it is boring.”

„Mein Mandant hat keine Lust mehr auf das Verfahren.“

I mean President. Actually, “supreme federal notary” is probably the best term for it. Hey, somebody’s got to do it.

The degree of power actually conferred upon the President by the Basic Law is ambiguous. However, in practice, holders of the office treat it as a ceremonial, non-political one, and act in accordance with the advice and directives of the Federal Government.

“Mr Koehler’s re-election is a symbolic victory for Chancellor Angela Merkel ahead of national elections in September.”